Tag: sunnysideupish

Undeniable.

You already love yourself. You just forgot that you do.

You’re the only person who shows up for you daily.

You put yourself to sleep. You bathe yourself. You face the cold world daily. You rise in the morning despite your exhaustion. You feed yourself. You hydrate yourself. You pick yourself up off the ground when you’re crying. You wipe your own tears. You walk through the pain. But now, fall IN love with yourself.

We can’t change any of what happened.

It’s all done.

We can only change today.

But that’s okay – it’s all part of our story.

I know you’re tired, but I need you to hold on just a little while longer. We’re almost there. Stretch out your hands. I can almost feel it with my fingertips.

Happiness. Here. Now.

It’s right there over the horizon.

We’ve traveled so long to get here. We’re almost there. We’re on our way.

I wanted to introduce you to someone, or rather reintroduce you to someone you met a long time ago,

You.

I know you tried to deny YOU, but you are UNDENIABLE.

–S.

Heavy Heart.

Excerpt from a letter that now almost seems like it was written in a past life.

I’ll miss your stories. I’ll miss fighting with you.

I’ll miss your deep voice. I’ll miss knowing you.

I’ll miss hearing your smile through the phone. I’ll miss you calling me on your lunch break.

I’ll miss falling asleep to your text messages. I’ll miss waking up to your text messages.

I will miss everything so fucking much.

God, it’s really over.

My heart is so heavy.

It is so so tired.

–S.

I don’t understand any of it.

Another letter written to my dead grandmother from years ago.

Grandma,

Love is a strange thing. Love in connection with death is even stranger. It’s when you no longer inhabit the earth that the regret hits. All of the phone calls you should have made. The time you should’ve spent. The memories you should’ve made.

I have to believe that in some way this will reach you. That in some way, shape, or form – it still can.

Some days it scares me that the memory of your laugh and your voice is fading. It scares me that people immediately get caught up in the politics of it all. Where did the mourning go?

People prepare you for heartbreak. And sex. And to cook. To clean. To love. To remember to feed the dog. To take responsibility for your actions. To say sorry.

They don’t prepare you for death.

And maybe that’s why we all act so differently. For some, it’s the pain that comes with waking up every morning. For some, it’s their smile and how it will never be fully genuine again, never reach their eyes. For some, it’s burying any real emotion, six feet.

For others, it happens at random moments. The wind against their face. Blades of grass brushing against legs. The sun burning the skin. Rain hitting the window. Or it hits every few months. Or years. The darkness finds its way into your bedroom. It sleeps with you. It eats with you. It bathes with you. It breaths with you.

I won’t tell you what it is for me. Just know that life is what it always was. And then some days – I remember. And life becomes something entirely different.

I don’t understand many things. They crash into me and knock me over. And I don’t understand them.

Love is a strange thing.

Death is even stranger.

Mourning is the strangest of them all.

I’m still loving on you girl. I know that you’re still holding it down – wherever it is that you are.

–S.

Storyteller.

All I really know is that we were on the phone and he told me that he wanted to tell me a story.

I was happy because I knew in that moment that he could have chosen to be on the phone with anyone, but he chose me.

And there I am listening to a story about a man with only one thumb.

But he is laughing and I am not.

He says, ‘I guess you just had to be there.’

It’s not that. I am not laughing because a big part of me is sad. I’m sad because I am thinking and preparing for a moment a million moments from now – when he doesn’t tell me these stories.

–S.

Black Boots.

2014.

I’m driving home.

It’s 2:32 in the morning.

It’s chilly in Texas now.

More late at night than during any other time of the day.

I wonder what the weather is like where you are. I turn the radio on, and I hear Justin Timberlake taking back the night.

I wonder what you’re listening to nowadays. Are you playing your piano?

I turn the radio off. I don’t want to take back this night. It’s beautiful. I want to burn it into my memory forever. It’s truly been special and I haven’t done anything special in quite some time. When I am wearing my faux leather black boots, I feel like I can do anything. I wore them tonight. If we still spoke, you’d know about them. I would have sent you a picture. I was dressed in all black with touches of gold jewelry. I felt sexy and mysterious all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it.

I laughed a lot tonight. Real laughter. I meant all of it.

And there was this moment when I was driving home, and the air was blowing aggressively against my face, that I missed you.

I really really missed you.

I wondered if you were at work maybe thinking of me too.

I wanted you to wrap your words around me and bring me warmth the rest of the car ride home.

I wanted you to lay me down on my pillow and sing me to sleep.

Your deep low timbre.

I would do anything to hear your smile – even over the telephone.

I don’t even need to see it, it would be enough.

Just to know that it was my smile. For me. Because of me.

If it’s cold where you are, I wish you warmth.

I wish you the sun.

–S.

I remember those faux leather black boots. I wore them into another love story. They were my favorite boots to dance in downtown. Eventually – one of them started coming apart and I would use black tape to keep it together. I was wearing them in dimly lit bars and clubs, but also didn’t give a fuck if anyone noticed the tape.

I loved those black boots. I LIVED in those black boots.

RIP Faux Leather Black Boots.

You are the Sun.

You are the sun creeping up and over the city early every morning.

You are staying up too late during summer break.

You are laughter when I didn’t know it was possible.

You are the warmth deep in my belly reminding me how lucky we are and have been.

When I was younger – I didn’t understand how important it was to be around you – to be present for all of your big moments in life.

Thank you for all of the lessons I have received in return for those I have taught you.

You are the breeze during every spring, the heat in every summer, the wind in the fall, and the cold air coming out of our lungs every winter.

You are everywhere.

You brought life into our family.

A promise saying that each day no matter how hard or long ends in at least a laugh or two.

I didn’t really know what it was like to REALLY love a person until I met you.

–S.